Vivek "keep on yelping in the free world" S.'s Profile

While I'm all for lovefests (not at all, really) I think I need to take this "Vivek S" down a peg. As good as it gets? Clearly you've never seen Vivek eat pizza off the floor of an Italian cafe or faint in a crowded movie theatre lobby[1]. He also sometimes gets intoxicated (on his own sense of bonhomie, no less) and makes inappropriate comments in front of your religious friends or parents. I guess what I'm saying is, he's pretty good but I've experienced better.

For the uninitiated, Vivek S is the former Community Manager of Yelp Toronto. It's a position he inherited from the venerable Kat F[2]. So powerful was her influence, one could pitch a circus tent under her immense shadow. According to legend, a sultan strangled himself with one of Kat's discarded stockings. But enough about not me.

As the CM, Vivek threw nifty parties for the Yelp Elite, kept an eye on that which was hot (and not), wrote a pun-soaked weekly newsletter and occasionally broke up the odd catfight on Talk. He would usually take the side of Karl R, but not always. Though he loved the Toronto community, because of his trademarked (pending) failure to commit[3], Vivek eventually cast off from this great community, leaving the waters choppy and turbulent in the metaphor-fuelled wake of his pun-boat.

Vivek's pros include his excellent trivia skills and ability to keep oriented in Toronto even whilst inebriated. Cons include his inability to return calls (just text me, dinosaurs) and his overuse of parenthetical comments (whatever). He also can't swim, which makes the aforementioned nautical metaphor particularly apt. Think about it.

In summary, I'd probably recommend Vivek with some caveats. Certainly not suitable for large groups, romantic encounters, or kids. Definitely recommended for casual drinks with friends, after-work drinks, during-work drinks, etc. You get the picture.

Obligatory Title Pun: Reviewing one's self borders on VIVISECTION.

Menu Readability: Obsessed with sans serif typefaces. What a fucking hipster.

Need to mention: Toronto yelpers are the best[4]. I will miss all of you.

What this place teaches me about myself: My self-awareness borders on autarky. I need a shrink.

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[1] Both me and the pizza landed face down.
[2] http://kat.yelp.com
[3] A position in San Francisco, actually.
[4] THE BEST.

What's not to love about Tandoori Flame? Even my mom likes this joint, and she's not easily impressed. For her, paying for subpar Indian food would be like me purchasing a sack of flippant responses or sarcastic comments on Facebook walls. Anything I've tried in Toronto my mom can do better and for less. But when it comes to Tandoori Flame, even my hard-to-please mother gives them an old country thumbs up.

The selection is here unparalleled by any Toronto buffets. They've got a serious selection of appetizers, and two full banks of vegetarian and non-vegetarian goodies. The naans here are super fresh and tasty and constantly being refilled. I usually fill a whole plate with them on my first pass. (Yes, I'm that guy.)

For the adventurous there is killer chaat station where you can get savoury papri chaat or golgappa. This is a big deal, people. Do not skip the chaat station. And if you don't know what's what, just ask the nearest brown person to make you a plate. (If you see my mom there, she'll happily do it for you.)

Food quality here varies between awesome and better than awesome. I have never had an unsatisfying bite from any of their dinner stuffs. Great pakoras, fluffy rice, and really nice chutneys. Their saag goat meat is one of my favourites and I'm also a fan of any of their chicken dishes. I should mention to lovers of heat that none of the food is that spicy, but that's par for the course on a buffet. For me, the food is plenty flavourful.

Every restaurant has a weakness, and Tandoori Flame's is their lacklustre desserts. Their kheer is pretty boring, and I've had better carrot halwa. Oh, and don't even touch their galub jamun. It's awful. But they have your standard alternatives found in every buffet. I usually get the mango ice cream.

Though it can be quite the drive to Dixie and Steeles, their full parking lot and invariably out-the-door line ups are a testament to the quality of this buffet. Definitely my favourite in Toronto.

Obligatory Title Pun: Drop it like it's CHAAT.

Menu Readability: Professionally done. Excellent photos of their cocktails.

Need to mention: It's about $20 for their dinner buffet. They generally don't take reservations.

What this place teaches me about myself: If my mother likes the place it's gotta be good.

Looking for the best meatball sandwich in Toronto? Why would you settle for anything less? Perhaps you have low self-esteem? Will this entire review be questions? What is this an improv game? Let's stop.

Tavolino is a Very Good sandwich shop at King St and Portland. Though the space is small, there are a few tables if you want to eat in. Compared to some of their neighbours, Tavolino has an airy and modern vibe. The kitchen and cash are at the back of the restaurant and the staff are inviting and friendly.

But let's get down to beeswax. I really enjoyed their meatball sandwich, and it's probably my favourite in the city. You know how sometimes when you eat a meatball sandwich and those ground-up spheres of animal slide around (as though sentient) and spread out hither and thither sometimes falling right out of the sandwich and ruining your day? Not here.The soft delicious bun holds everything in place. I'd eat mountains of that bread solo, but when wrapped around perfectly-cooked meat and savoury sauce it's a winner.

Beats Reggie's by a mile. Go to here.

Obligatory Title Pun: I don't want nobody baby/If I can't TAV you.

Menu Readability: Someone here has a very interesting chalk printing technique.

Need to mention: Sandwiches are in the $8-10 range.

What this place teaches me about myself: Meatball sandwiches don't have to be geometric conundrums.

This is one of the few McDonald's restaurants in Toronto with a drive-thru. As such, I often end up here as a drunk passenger or, embarassingly, a completely sober driver in need of some nuggets. Don't judge me.

The drive-thru is a throwback to days of yore when they employed two separate windows: one for payment and the other for food delivery. And more than that, it sucks. The angles are treacherous, and if you're in a vehicle larger than a Smart Car, your fenders and paint job are at risk. It's like wearing a greased up wetsuit and clambering through a heating duct. It requires surgical precision to successfully navigate this pick up window, and when I have a violent McCraving I can't be blamed if I blast through a building facade in an SUV.

I highly recommend the hot mustard sauce.

Obligatory Title Pun: McNUGGET of wisdom: walk in instead.

Menu Readability: I find the drive-thru menu really confrontational.

Need to mention: Why do they spell it "thru" and not "through"? How has no one called them on this?

What this place teaches me about myself: I am so glad I don't own a car.

If you head north on Ossington -- all the way up -- you will find a Portuguese pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Alcoa Bakery is a spacious shop with a deli, delicious baked treats and for some reason a glass case sparsely filled with dusty, plastic-wrapped toys, each priced at $10.

I had the veal sandwich here and it's a beaut. It's positively stuffed with meat and peppers and the bread is soft and tasty. They've got a fridge filled with cold drinks so if you have a hankering for Sumol, you know where to go.

The service is super friendly here, an the prices are great. Three of us ate for about $20 total. Definitely worth the trek.

Obligatory Title Pun: This roomy bakeshop's no ALCOve.

Menu Readability: The staff will tell you what's what.

Need to mention: As far as I know they are not affilated with any aluminum producers.

What this place teaches me about myself: There is something strangely alluring about toys you to need a key to access.

Contrary to their nomenclature, the Fuel House does not sell petrochemicals. But it is indeed a house that serves drinks and casual meals. It's right by the corner of College and Clinton in Little Italy.

The restaurant itself is fairly intimate, so it's not great for groups. Mostly tables for two and bar seating. But the warm decor and quiet ambiance might make it a respectable date destination. There is also a small patio out front, and a spacious garden patio in the back, shaded by a sprawling tree.

Menu consists of snacks 'n' sammiches. On my first visit I tried their pork belly banh mi sandwich ($7.50) and I've also tried their bacon cheeseburger ($10). Both very tasty and filling. Definitely a gem.

Obligatory Title Pun: I pity the FUEL that avoids this spot.

Menu Readability: When we went the specials were written on a chalkboard.

Need to mention: Beau's on tap.

What this place teaches me about myself: The FTR for this place was totally within my grasp. Sometimes I play nice.

It's seems Parkdale is constantly sprouting with hip new bars, like mould on a three-week old hot dog bun. Sorry for the grody visual, but this is Parkdale we're talking about. Only a year hence it was nothing but sketchbags and hipsters. Now outside sketchbags and hipsters are emigrating there. That's progress.

Anyway, The Yukon. Cool dimly lit spot that's well suited for snacks and drinks. They have a few beers on tap (Beau's, Guinness) and a short wine list also. Victuals are of the snackish variety: olives, bar nuts, pretzels and some hardier fare like charcuterie, wings and grilled cheese. My date and I enjoyed the hand pie special ($7): a savoury meat pastry; the small Hunter's board ($16): an assemblage of meats, local cheese and pickles, and the meatballs and bread ($9): which is meatballs and bread. (You will note the carnivorous theme.)

The portion sizes match the modest prices, which make this a perfect after work spot, or casual hang out over drinks. A DJ booth flanked with hundreds of vinyls suggests that this could be a rad spot for the later hours of the night too. Time will tell.

Obligatory Title Pun: YUKON count on it.

Menu Readability: Single page, sans-serif, sensass!

Need to mention: Bring a date!

What this place teaches me about myself: I might just be equal parts sketchbag and hipster.

The typical Markham street rigmarole is to start at Victory Café, fail to get a seat and then work your way northward until you end up at The Central. But should you happen to rewarded with a spot on their patio, drink it in, gentle reader. For this is where it all begins.

If there is such a thing as patio envy, then the other restos at Markham and Bloor streets must surely have it. Victory Café boasts a beast of a terrace, stretching right around a converted house. It faces both south and west which should make any pique any T.O. patio regular's curiosity. That said, it's almost always full on a pleasant day so patio-thusiasts are advised to make haste.

But the patio is (by orders of magnitude) my favourite thing about this place. The food is just OK. I probably won't start with the samosas again, but their pasta special was OK. Though the beer list is small, they have some solid options like Beau's Lug Tread. The service seems to be harried, so wear a big felt hat or illuminated spectacles or something if you want to get noticed. But other than that, the VC is A-OK with ME.

Obligatory Title Pun: VICTORY is fine.

Menu Readability: It's big and readable.

Need to mention: Much as been said about their mac and cheese.

What this place teaches me about myself: If the name of the game is patios, then we have a winner.

What can I say? If I haven't said it before, I'll say it now: the best thing about Yelp in Toronto is the people and seeing all of you last night was a reminder of how much I'll miss heading up this awesome community.

I knew the night was off to a good start when two lovelies Jennifer M and Fatma T showed up early and helped with balloons. It wasn't long before the place was bumpin' with familiar faces. And some new faces! Thanks Dixie Q and Bobby N for coming out! (Also was that "Chicken Parm" Phil S? It sure was.)

I need to thank the kind yelpers who kept me plied with alcohol all night long. Brian Y, your enthusiasm for shots knows no bounds. Thanks for making sure I got mine.

I could do a roll call all-review-long, but suffice it to say that all of you in Toronto Yelp land have made being CM a real joy and the greatest honour.

Thanks again to Church Aperitivo for hosting a room full of rowdy yelpers. Really loved all the appetizers (especially those deep fried lamb skewers) and those vodka cocktails went down smooth. Those ladies behind the bar were shaking up a storm and I swear those servers were omnipresent with the canapés. An unforgettable night.

Obligatory Title Pun: Let he who is without SIN, GTFO.

Menu Readability: Love their little tent cards with the drink specials.

Need to mention: Church does complimentary Aperitivo with cocktails daily after work.

What this place teaches me about myself: I'm not always bored in church.

I thought that the term "Eskimo" was on the outs, but then Chinatown isn't exactly a hotbed of political correctness. Was that observation on racism itself racist? Perhaps I should begin this review before it devolves into a race-related auto-hermeneutic circle jerk. (If my philosophy profs could see me now.)

Located across from the Art Gallery of Ontario, Eskimo Tea House is a social café where you can enjoy snacks, shakes/smoothies, bubble tea, hot tea, coffee and desserts galore. On my visit it was full of Young People enjoying themselves and making merry. It's larger than it looks and from the casual vibe, I could tell this was a place one could just while away the afternoon chatting or playing board games with friends.

The foodstuffs are largely snack items. I shared a portion of spicy popcorn chicken and had a awesome smoothie made with fresh mint. I finished off with an enormous cube of toast stuffed with ice cream and covered with fresh fruit and slathered with condensed milk. I don't think I could describe it any better than Joanne W: it's diabetes on a plate. I might get it again, but only if I were being executed later that afternoon.

An excellent and original addition to the neighbourhood.

Obligatory Title Pun: Get IN-UIT.[1]

Menu Readability: Colourful. Clear photos of the nibbles.

Need to mention: Free Wi-Fi for nerds.

What this place teaches me about myself: I'm a PC thug.

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[1] OR: PARK-A yourself here for hours.