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Dan "Agent Provacateur" J.'s Profile
Coffee. The Good, The Brewed & The Ugly.
See All Lists
1. Milano Coffee Roasters
I think of coffee flavours like different types of dessert:
Sometimes I crave cherry pie (sweet, tart, fruity.) You can think of that as a Rwandan bean.
Other times I might like a simple bowl of fresh berries and a cup of tea (tangy, sweet & light)…More »
2. Caffè Artigiano
Anyone who knows anything about coffee knows that Artigiano serves it. I am pleased to say that I used to get my coffee here. In fact you would be fortunate to enjoy a great cup of coffee here because no coffee is better than the coffee at Artigiano.…More »
3. Agro Café
Vancouver, BC V6B 6K3
(604) 605-1292
Category:
Coffee & Tea
Neighbourhoods: Downtown, Yaletown
If you're used to the coffee served by the big chains down the street and are expecting something comparable you will be disappointed.
Seriously, what's wrong with these people? They will make you a cup of coffee in their clover. What is that thing?…More »
4. Elysian Coffee
Vancouver, BC V5Z 1E9
Categories:
Coffee & Tea,
Bakeries
Neighbourhood: Fairview Slopes
These were dark days for Dan. It was a time dominated by the unholy trinity of Timblenzbucks. A time of muddling through the day in a miasma of burnt beans and mediocre mochas. He had abandoned all hope for fresh coffee outside of his home. Until one…More »
5. Caffe Cittadella
Vancouver, BC V5Z 3C2
(604) 568-5909
Category:
Coffee & Tea
Neighbourhood: Fairview Slopes
What? Am I giving 5 stars to a cafe that serves 49th Parallel beans. You bet I am. I've been too hard on this roaster in my other reviews. I honestly thought their beans were bad. But I am big enough to admit I was wrong.
The first time I came to…More »
6. JJ Bean Coffee Roasters
Vancouver, BC V6B 1E4
(604) 408-9663
Category:
Coffee & Tea
Neighbourhoods: Downtown, Gastown
Worst service ever.
Me: I'll have a small cup of drip. The uh, Kenya.
Barista: (Confidently) We don't do drip anymore. We do French Press. (points at the large French Press Carafes on the counter.)
Me: What do you mean by drip?
Barista: From those.…More »
7. Tim Hortons
Vancouver, BC V6B 6L9
(888) 601-1616
Categories:
Doughnuts,
Coffee & Tea
Neighbourhood: Downtown
Tim Hortons is the exact opposite of what I look for in a cafe.
Legend has it coffee was discovered by a young Ethiopian goat herder named Kaldi.
Now class, who can tell me what the exact opposite of a young Ethiopian goat herder is? Anyone? Who said…More »
8. Starbucks
"Coffee-pocalypse Now"
Starbucks? - that place is wacko, man. Worse than crazy. It's evil. I mean... what they've set up here is a fucking coffee cataclysm. The Coffee-pocalypse. Look around. Shit, it's loco.
You want coffee? Fucking Eh. I'll help…More »
9. Revolver
Vancouver, BC V6B 1H7
(604) 558-4444
Category:
Coffee & Tea
Neighbourhoods: Downtown, Gastown
ALERT: I've never sworn in a review before and I've been saving up my expletives for someone special...
I fucking love Revolver. I want to write them a goddamn sonnet. Bloody hell, these guys know their fucking coffee! Look above, you see those 19…More »
10. Nelson the Seagull
Vancouver, BC V6A 0A7
(604) 681-5776
Categories:
Coffee & Tea,
Bakeries
Neighbourhoods: Gastown, Downtown Eastside
I was too busy when they opened to receive credit for FTR. Thpppt.
Hey! Do you enjoy a dried out three pound hunk of refrigerated banana bread with stale mini chocolate chips? It comes wrapped in Saran wrap and if you ask nicely also comes with a…More »
11. Buen Café
Screeeech! Nope nope nope. Something's amiss. The train has derailed. The last few roasts were not up to par.
That ain't a medium roast. That's dark in my books. It's oily, bitter blech.
I feel for small roasters like this one. We are so horribly…More »
1 Previous Review: Show all »
-
4/2/2011
Picked up beans here on three separate occasions and I think the owner/roaster has hit a home run… Read more »
12. Momento Coffee House
You know who loves coffee? Me, yeah d-uh. But the owner of this shop is fanatically obsessed. And I do my best to soak up as much info when I'm there. I ask a lot of stupid questions and get smart answers in return.
They make a mean pourover. If you…More »
13. Innocent Coffee
Vancouver, BC V6H 4A3
(604) 730-1155
Categories:
Coffee & Tea,
Bakeries
Neighbourhood: Fairview Slopes
A little truth in advertising please. This place is not at all innocent. They are guilty. Incontrovertibly guilty with extreme prejudice of pouring me consistently delicious coffee.
Fresh roasted Origins beans done up right, pourover style just for…More »
14. The Elysian Room
Vancouver, BC V6J 1P2
(604) 734-1778
Category:
Coffee & Tea
Neighbourhood: Fairview Slopes
Just as great as Elysian on Broadway. I prefer the contemporary and clean vibe at the other location but I care about the coffee not the space.
So why only 4 stars when I wrote a five star poem for the other location? Because a couple staff members…More »
15. Bump N Grind
Vancouver, BC V5L 3W7
(604) 569-3362
Category:
Coffee & Tea
Neighbourhoods: Grandview-Woodlands, The Drive
UPDATE: I did it. Or rather Bump and Grind did it. They definitely deserve an extra star. Happily bumping and grinding them up to four stars. One day I will drop by for an Aeropress. Let's see how far we can go...
Hay hey. Not bad. 3 stars but it…More »
16. Agro Café
Vancouver, BC V6H 4G9
(604) 669-0724
Category:
Coffee & Tea
Neighbourhood: Granville Island/False Creek
I'ma let you finish but the Agro Cafe in Yaletown is the best Agro of all time. Of. Aaaall. Time.
I still love you Agro and you're one of my favourite coffee shops in Vancouver. But last time I made the mistake of ordering lunch. My girlfriend's roast…More »
17. Trees Organic Coffee
The seeds of every revolution were germinated in a coffee shop. That's why, in the 16th Century, coffeehouses were considered taboo and banned outright in Mecca and other cities.
In 1773 American colonists spilled all their English tea into Boston…More »
18. Starbucks - CLOSED
The coffee offered at this Starbucks was identical to every other location. Starbucks hired a marketing research company that determined their customers wanted consistency. Someone forgot to tell headquarters that didn't have to mean consistently…More »
19. Mink - A Chocolate Café
Vancouver, BC V6C 3N9
(604) 633-2451
Categories:
Chocolatiers and Shops,
Coffee & Tea
Neighbourhood: Downtown
Okay I tried really I did. Went back two more times but I'm still disappointed by the coffee.
Ever get the feeling that the owners of a shop read your review on Yelp? When I showed up the next time the woman said that I had tried the Brazil last time…More »
1 Previous Review: Show all »
-
12/28/2010
You know what makes for a lousy first impression? Asking a question at a coffee shop and the guy… Read more »
20. JJ Bean Coffee Roasters
Vancouver, BC V6B 2G3
(604) 684-9253
Category:
Coffee & Tea
Neighbourhoods: Downtown, Yaletown
"Oh poo Agro Cafe is closed today. Okay I'll give JJ Bean another try. It's been a year or so. Just don't get your hopes up Dan.
Hmm okay no fresh coffee that I can see, just a couple of stainless steel urns. I think I remember hearing that they…More »
21. Freshii
I was going to save my 100th review for something great. Something noteworthy. Something momentous happened today. For all the wrong reasons.
Two of my nine single star reviews were for prisons and one was for Ticketmaster. So I don't throw one star…More »
22. Bean Around the World Coffees
Vancouver, BC V6B 2T4
(604) 685-9929
Category:
Coffee & Tea
Neighbourhoods: Downtown, Yaletown
Bean around the world and yeah yeah yeah. A step up from Starbucks.
Stale coffee served waaaaay too hot. Old beans. Coffeemaker. More of the same old big chain nonsense. Corners cut. Banal brews, monotonous mochas, burnt beans and burned out staff.…More »
23. Waves Coffee
Vancouver, BC V6B 1L1
(604) 915-9283
Category:
Coffee & Tea
Neighbourhood: Downtown
Lame. Here's a link to my review for Bean Around The World. Cut and Paste. Okay bye.
http://www.yelp.ca/biz...
24. Bonchaz Bakery Café
Vancouver, BC V6B 1L1
(604) 626-7215
Categories:
Coffee & Tea,
Sandwiches,
Bakeries,
French,
Local Flavour
Neighbourhood: Downtown
You know that episode of The Facts of Life where it was revealed that Joe made great pizza and she soon began selling them to her friends? And then she couldn't keep up with demand and started taking short cuts with her Grandmother's recipe? And…More »
25. Coffeebar
Vancouver, BC V6B 1A4
(604) 566-9693
Category:
Coffee & Tea
Neighbourhoods: Downtown, Gastown
Bumping them up up to four stars. They've done it. They will make you a fresh cup using their Brewt. 49th Parallel beans are excellent nowadays too. I take it all back. The smarmy comments, the sarcasm. As a wise man once told me: Coffee is as…More »
26. Blenz Coffee
Vancouver, BC V7Y 1K8
(604) 639-7676
Category:
Coffee & Tea
Neighbourhood: Downtown
Blenz prides itself on being Canadian owned. Using the Blenz business model let's take a look at what Canadian coffee culture is obviously all about:
Try a hunk of refrigerated banana bread with stale mini chocolate chips. These hearty loaves…More »
27. Coo Coo Coffee
I want to like this place I really do. But Coo Coo is so-so.
I'm only reviewing their coffee, not Americanos. Not mochas or Soy breve cha-cha frappa lattes & other fancy foppish nonsense.
They only brew one type of bean and it's used primarily for…More »
28. Caffè Artigiano
Vancouver, BC V6Z 1S2
(604) 694-7737
Categories:
Coffee & Tea,
Sandwiches
Neighbourhood: Downtown
Artigiano, you put the pretend back in pretentious.
I like to sit down and pretend your baristas know how to make a great espresso drink. Sometimes I like to order a coffee and pretend the beans from 49th Parallel Roasters haven't been sour and under…More »
29. Wicked Café - CLOSED
Been looking for a coffee shop downtown where I can get a real cup of fresh coffee. As I said in a previous review fresh brewed delicious coffee is A) Fresh B) Brewed C) Delicious D) Coffee . Not some generic old beans that have been sitting in a…More »
30. Nyala African
Vancouver, BC V5V 3P7
(604) 876-9919
Categories:
Ethiopian,
Moroccan,
South African
Neighbourhood: Riley Park
I've been here a few times and enjoyed myself each time. Can't say I'm a connoisseur of Ethiopian cuisine but if this is any indication I am a fan.
The food is served on communal platters. The concept is to wrap the food on a type of sourdough pita…More »
31. Cobra Café
1071 ZB Amsterdam
Netherlands
+31 20 4700111
Category:
Gastropubs
Neighbourhoods: Museumkwartier, Zuid
The kind of place that makes me envious of Europeans because we don't have anything similar to it in Vancouver. Ironically the cafe reminds me of a 1950's American diner. It is industrial and modern but there's something vintage and classic about it.…More »
32. Sciue Italian Bakery Caffe
Vancouver, BC V6C 2V6
(604) 602-7263
Nanaimo Bars! I love Nanaimo Bars but the ones you get at most bakeries are too heavy on the custard, too sweet and seldom use good quality chocolate. I gave up trying to purchase them a long time ago.
The ones in Sciue's display case, however,…More »
33. Flora Danica
Smack in the middle of Des Champs just a few blocks down from the Arc de Triumph Flora Danicas is a great patio to re-energize with a Cafe Allonge and a light snack while shopping.
Been here a few times and every single time the waitresses bring me…More »
Recently updated lists from Dan J.
Watering Holes. (7)This train departing for Dipsomania with stops in Blotto and Farshnoshket. |
Yelp! Yelp! Yelp! (9)In 1814 we took a little trip along with Col. Jackson down the mighty Mississip / We took a little bacon and we took a little beans / And met the mighty British near the town of New Orleans.Yelp! Yelp! Yelp! |
Swindler's List. (5)Also known as Skepti-Yelping. Poking fun at fraudsters, phonies and flim-flammers. PS: Credit for the name Swindler's List goes to "Skeptic's Guide to the Universe". |
my R's OTD. (6)Not to brag or nothin' but I got six of 'em now. If they allowed rants I'd have more. Just sayin' Time to make a list. |
Photography. (13)Professional photography & accessories sales, rentals, props & costuming, services & repairs. None of those big chains. Small, cutting edge, knowledgeable & independent. |
Useful! (7)Businesses I rely on that have never let me down. |
Dan vs. the World. (6)Conversations with crazy people. |
Not Funny! Grrr. (5)Dan's list of businesses that make his life more difficult than it needs to be. |
Delis (3)From Jewish to Jew"ish" Es Gezunter heit. |
Indian (4)Indian as in from India. Thanks Columbus for making me have to explain that. |
See all 13 lists »
"Dessert has two s's. (Desert has one.)"
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Review votes:
482 Useful, 637 Funny, and 367 Cool
Vancouver, BC
Yelping SinceMarch 2010
Things I LoveMel Brookes, Animation, Funk, Art Galleries, Traveling, Documentaries, Languages
Find Me Ina chocolate, meat or dipsomaniacal coma.
My HometownVancouver, BC
My Blog Or Website When I'm Not Yelping...I am stealing people's souls.
Why You Should Read My ReviewsI've reviewed two prisons. And a cult.
My Second Favourite Website The Last Great Book I ReadSiddartha by Herman Hesse.
My First ConcertSir Mix-A-Lot. (And I still like big butts.)
My Favourite MovieBlazing Saddles.
My Last Meal On EarthMay have been lethal.
Don't Tell Anyone Else But...I collect fruit stickers.
Most Recent DiscoveryBoylan's Cane Cola.